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ATTACHMENT

THERE... 's such a thing as trying too hard ...
You 've got to sing like you don't need the money-
Love like you ΊΙ never get hurt-
You've gotta dance like nobody's watching-
It's gotta come from the heart if you want it to work. "

When you chase things, they run away. This is true for animals, lovers ... even money! Have you ever met someone cute at a party and they tell you "I'll call you next week!" So you don't go anywhere for a week-not even to the bathroom! You sit by the phone ... and wait. Who calls? Everyone but them!

Did you ever need to sell something, desperately? A car, a house. Who wanted it? Nobody. So you dropped the price. Who cared? Nobody! The principle? When you're desperate, zilch!

Talk to any salesperson, whether they're in Lear jets or laundry detergent, and they will tell you the same story. Desperation pulls you into a descending spiral-and the more you worry, the less people buy! What happens when you are in a restaurant and in a hurry for your meal? They lose your order.

I learn about the law of attachment in airports. I have made dozens of author tours in different parts of the world. These trips are usually excursions from six weeks to four months. Until recently, my wife, Julie, ran her own business, and so I mostly went alone.

I found that I could catch a hundred flights, and ninety-nine would be roughly on time. But the one flight home, when I was so desperate to see her and counting the minutes, was always four hours late!

At the end of my last North American book tour, we decided to meet in San Francisco. Julie arrived in San Francisco from Australia while I was still in Portland. I was so used to these delayed departures that I went up to the baggage counter and asked: "How late is the six o'clock to San Francisco?" And the fellow said: "It's not late!"

"Not late?" I was ecstatic. I was about to leap across the counter and hug him when he said: "Do you want to know why it's not late? ... We've canceled it!" At 10:30 p.m. I got a seat on a plane to San Jose, caught a bus to San Francisco and arrived at Julie's hotel at four in the morning- seven hours late!

Whenever we are desperately involved-emotionally attached to a transaction or a happening-we obstruct it. The flip-side to the principle? Relax a little and bingo!

You spend a year and a half without a girlfriend, or boyfriend, and you're desperate. Not even a sniff! Then you give up. You tell yourself: "I don't have to have a partner. I can be happy, single." And suddenly it's feast or famine-they're coming over the walls and out from under the bed!"

An argument is the classic example. What happens when you want someone to change their mind? Will they change it? Not on your life. But stop pushing them and often they come round to your way of thinking.

Whenever you are desperate for anything-for someone to call, for you husband to quit smoking, for a promotion, for your boss to show you some appreciation-you create an energy around you that pushes it away.

DETACHMENT versus DISINTEREST

Detachment is not disinterest. It is possible to be detached and still be very determined. People who are detached and determined know thai effort and excellence are ultimately rewarded. They say: "If I don't win this time, I' ΙΙ win the next time, or the time after that."
Let's say you apply for a new job at Haywire Hardware. You are excited about the job and you prepare carefully. You write out your interview speech and you practice it in front of the bathroom mirror. You even get new shoes and a haircut. You arrive early for the interview and you give it your best shot.

What next? You go home and you get on with your life. You enroll in extra study. You plan your next job application. If you get hired by Haywire, you're happy. If not, you are still moving forward.
Disinterested people say: "Who cares and why bother?" Desperate people say: "If I don't get this I'll die!" When you are determined and detached, you say: "One way or another, I will get a good job-and I don't care how long it takes."

ATTACHMENT TO MONEY

''The only people who think more about money than the rich are the poor."
Oscar Wilde

Attachment, which the Buddhists call "grasping," explains why many people struggle to make money. Because money is both a means of survival and a symbol of success, most of us are very attached to it-even those of us who insist it doesn't matter. Unfortunately, our desperation for it screws up the whole thing.

Put another way, the more emotional you are about things, the less control you have. Most people are very emotional about money-so they are out of control. Detachment is a major reason why rich people get richer. They don't care so much-they're not desperate. If you don't have money, you've got to be relaxed enough to know you're going to get it. When 3 you do have it, you need to be comfortable enough with it to keep some of it-and know there's more coming. Also, there's a big difference between a poor person's attitude-wishing you had it-and a wealthy person's approach- believing you'll get it.

HOW DO I AVOID BEING DESPERATE WHEN I'M DESPERATE?

What do you do specifically? It's attitude. Never get into the trap of saying: "I need X to be happy."

In general, if you are selling your computer, waiting on a phone call, hoping for a promotion, trying to sink a golf putt, waiting for a check in the mail, looking for a husband, relax! You do everything you can to make it work, and then you tell yourself: "I don't need this to be happy." Forget it and move on, and more often than not, the results will come.

IN A NUTSHELL

On the mental and the physical level, we are dealing with natural laws. Nature doesn't understand desperation! Nature seeks balance, and you can't be desperate and balanced. Life doesn't have to be an endless struggle. Let things flow. This is not indifference; it's not forcing things.

You can say: "I don't understand how it all works!" You don't have to understand gravity either. Our challenge is to work with principles-we don't have to understand them.

If you want something, give it away! Does that sound crazy? You get more of what you want, by giving away some of what you have. When a farmer wants more seeds, he takes his seeds and gives them to the earth. When you want a smile, you give yours. When you want affection, you give affection. When you help people, they help you. When you want a smack in the mouth? You smack someone. And if you want people to give you money? Share some of yours.
Think about it. If attachment hinders the flow of good things into your life, then the opposite of that would be unattachment-to the point where we give away some of what we value. What you give away will tend to come back to you.

I've had people tell me: "I've given all my life, and got nothing
back." I don't think they were giving, I think they were measuring, and
there's a difference.

WHAT ABOUT THOSE WEALTHY OLD MISERS WHO NEVER GAVE ANYBODY ANYTHING?

How often do we hear this kind of story ... "a penny-pinching old
tightfist, who lived on bread crusts, dies with a million dollars parked
under his bed?" It begs the question: "If you have to give in order to
receive, what happened here?"

The balance in your bank book is not the measure of your abundance. Abundance is what's circulating through your life. Prosperity is a flow- giving and receiving. If you have a fortune in Swiss deposits, and you're not using it, then it's not enriching you. Technically it's yours, but in reality you're "receiving" nothing from it. It's not making you abundant and it might as well belong to someone else. So the principle of give and receive holds, even here.

IN A NUTSHELL

The trick to giving is to give without wanting anything back. If you expect something back, you are attached to a result-and when you are attached, less happens.

And should you enjoy your material possessions? Of course! Just
make sure you own them and they don't own you.

ATTACHMENT TO LOVERS

"The origin of sorrow is desire."
Buddha

Mary is desperate for a man to love and adore her. Is there much hope of finding him? Not likely. Firstly, her desperation will push all the guys away. Secondly, while she's desperate, she's not so loveable.

Fred says to his girl: "I need you-and I can't live without you." But that's not love, it's hunger. You can't need someone desperately and love them at the same time. (And if you literally can't live without someone, you're a basket case! Who needs that?)

Loving people means giving them the freedom to be who they choose to be and where they choose to be. Love is allowing people to be in your life out of choice. Again, we're talking unattachment. To have something or someone, you let go.

ATTACHMENT-AND HATING THINGS ...

" We cannot change anything unless we accept it."
Carl Jung

Hating things is a bad idea. While you hate something, you remain invisibly connected to it -so it will tend to hang around.

EXAMPLE: Let's say you are in debt and you hate it. That's a difficult position from which to improve your finances. You put so much energy into hating it that you stay stuck-you're drained. Once you accept your debt, free of the emotional turmoil, you can move out of it. Acceptance does not mean "giving up"-it means understanding what is.

EXAMPLE: Until you accept that you are overweight, you either: a) deny you are fat, or b) hate yourself for being fat. In either case, you stay fat. You only begin to lose weight once you accept you are fat.
When the Bible says, "resist not evil," it makes this point. Getting angry, or fighting doesn't work. You overcome what you don't like by accepting what is-not resisting-and replacing it with something positive