Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you. Carl Gustav Jung
It is easier to fight for principles than to live up to them. Alfred Adler
Not a shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious. Brendan Gill
Girls are like pianos. When they're not upright, they're grand. Benny Hill
Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. That's relativity. Albert Einstein
Of the delights of this world, man cares most for sexual intercouse, yet he has left it out of his heaven. Mark Twain
As to marriage or celibacy, let a man take the course he will. He will be sure to repent. Socrates
A husband is what's left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted. Helen Rowland
A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy who has cheated some woman out of a divorce. Don Quinn
Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution yet. Mae West
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience. Oscar Wilde
My advice to you is to get married. If you find a good wife, you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher. Socrates
He who knows that enough is enough will always have enough. Lao Tsu
Never invest your money in anything that eats or needs painting. Billy Rose
A rich man's joke is always funny. Proverb
Never insult an alligator until after you have crossed the river. Cordel Hull
When one burns one's bridges, what a very nice fire it makes. Dylan Thomas
I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals. Winston Churchill
Though I am not naturally honest, I am so sometimes by chance. William Shakespeare
A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies. Oscar Wilde
There are three faithful friendsan old wife, an old dog, and ready money. Benjamin Franklin
Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much. Oscar Wilde
I can resist everything except temptation. Oscar Wilde
To cease smoking is the easiest thing. I ought to know. I've done it a thousand times. Mark Twain
A conclusion is simply the place where someone got tired of thinking. Arthur Block
Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen. Albert Einstein
Children are unpredictable. You never know what inconsistency they're going to catch you in next. Franklin P. Jones
What is a committee? A group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit, to do the unnecessary. Richard Harkness
Youth is a malady of which one becomes cured a little every day. Benito Mussolini
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate
it. Franklin P. Jones
All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should
have been more specific. -- Jane Wagner
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. Oscar Wilde
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because
I hate plants. A. Whitney Brown
Experience is that marvellous thing that enables you recognise a mistake
when you make it again. F. P. Jones
"Sure, everyone always said 'Socrates what is the meaning of life?' or
'Socrates how can I find happiness?', did anyone ever say 'Socrates
hemlock is poison.'???????" Socrates right before his death
Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we
didn't. Erica Jong
The direct use of force is such a poor solution to any problem, it is
generally employed only by small children and large nations. David Friedman
Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain. Lily Tomlin
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with. W. C. Fields
The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new
discoveries, is not 'Eureka!' (I found it!) but 'That's funny ...' Isaac Asimov
A girl phoned me the other day and said .... Come on over, there's nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home. (Rodney Dangerfield)
If it weren't for pick-pocketers I'd have no sex life at all. (Rodney Dangerfield)
And we were poor too. Why if I wasn't born a boy.... I'd have nothing to play with. (Rodney Dangerfield)
During sex my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel. (Rodney Dangerfield)
One day as I came home early from work ..... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy .... Hey buddy .... why are you doing that for? He said .... Because you came home early. (Rodney Dangerfield)
Its been a rough day. I got up this morning .... put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom. (Rodney Dangerfield)
When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up. (Rodney Dangerfield)
I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio. (Rodney Dangerfield)
My mother never breast fed me.She told me that she only liked me as a friend. (Rodney Dangerfield)
My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet. (Rodney Dangerfield)
When I was born .... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father .... I'm very sorry. We did everything we could....but he pulled through. (Rodney Dangerfield)
My mother had morning sickness after I was born. (Rodney Dangerfield)
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof. (Rodney Dangerfield)
Once when I was lost..... I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him ..... do you think we'll ever find them? He said ... I don't know kid .... there are so many places they can hide. (Rodney Dangerfield)
On Halloween .... the parents send their kids out looking like me. Last year... one kid tried to rip my face off! Now its different...when I answer the door the kids hand me candy. (Rodney Dangerfield)
My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday. (Rodney Dangerfield)
I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I'd get. (Rodney Dangerfield)
I went to see my doctor. Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror... I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me? He said... I don't know but your eyesight is perfect. (Rodney Dangerfield)
My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him .... If you don't mind I'd like a second opinion. He said .... Alright.... you're ugly too! (Rodney Dangerfield)
When I was born the doctor took one look at my face .... turned me over and said. Look ... twins! (Rodney Dangerfield)
I remember when I swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest. (Rodney Dangerfield)
If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs. (David Daye)
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. ( Phyllis Diller )
And that's the world in a nutshell -- an appropriate receptacle. ( Stan Dunn )