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A ''Bay Area Bisexual'' told me I didn't quite coincide with either of her desires.
Woody AllenA fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'.
Woody AllenAnd my parents finally realize that I'm kidnapped and they snap into action immediately: They rent out my room.
Woody AllenAs the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
Woody AllenBasically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.
Woody AllenBisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
Woody AllenCloquet hated reality but realized it was still the only place to get a good steak.
Woody AllenDon't knock masturbation; it's sex with someone I love.
Woody AllenDying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.
Woody AllenEighty percent of success is showing up.
Woody AllenEternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
Woody AllenHe was so depressed, he tried to commit suicide by inhaling next to an Armenian.
Woody AllenHis lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.
Woody AllenHow can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?
Woody AllenI am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Woody AllenI am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.
Woody AllenI am two with nature.
Woody AllenI believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government.
Woody AllenI don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
Woody AllenI don't have to 'freedom-kiss' my wife when what I really want to do is French-kiss her.
Woody AllenI don't respond well to mellow, you know what I mean, I-I have a tendency to... if I get too mellow, I-I ripen and then rot.
Woody AllenI don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.
Woody AllenI don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.
Woody AllenI failed to make the chess team because of my height.
Woody AllenI had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.
Woody AllenI have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.
Woody AllenI ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle!
Woody AllenI tended to place my wife under a pedestal.
Woody AllenI think being funny is not anyone's first choice.
Woody AllenI think you should defend to the death their right to march, and then go down and meet them with baseball bats.
Woody AllenI took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.
Woody AllenI want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said 'No.'
Woody AllenI was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
Woody AllenI will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.
Woody AllenI'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.
Woody AllenI'd never join a club that would allow a person like me to become a member.
Woody AllenI'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
Woody AllenI'm not afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Woody AllenI'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.
Woody AllenI'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.
Woody AllenI've never been an intellectual but I have this look.
Woody AllenIf my films don't show a profit, I know I'm doing something right.
Woody AllenIf my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.
Woody AllenIf only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.
Woody AllenIf you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.
Woody AllenIf you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.
Woody AllenIn Beverly Hills... they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.
Woody AllenIn California, they don't throw their garbage away - they make it into TV shows.
Woody AllenIn my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.
Woody AllenIs sex dirty? Only if it's done right.
Woody AllenIt is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.
Woody AllenIt is impossible to travel faster than the speed of light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off.
Woody AllenIt's impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.
Woody AllenIt's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Woody AllenLife doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.
Woody AllenLife is divided into the horrible and the miserable.
Woody AllenLife is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.
Woody AllenLove is the answer, but while you're waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty interesting questions.
Woody AllenMan consists of two parts, his mind and his body, only the body has more fun.
Woody AllenMarriage is the death of hope.
Woody AllenMoney is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
Woody AllenMost of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all.
Woody AllenMy luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.
Woody AllenMy one regret in life is that I am not someone else.
Woody AllenNietzsche says that we will live the same life, over and over again. God - I'll have to sit through the Ice Capades again.
Woody AllenNot only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.
Woody AllenOn the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down .
Woody AllenOrganized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.
Woody AllenRemember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast.
Woody AllenSeventy percent of success in life is showing up.
Woody AllenSex between 2 people is a beautiful thing; between 5 it's fantastic.
Woody AllenSex between a man and a woman can be absolutely wonderful - provided you get between the right man and the right woman.
Woody AllenSex is like having dinner: sometimes you joke about the dishes, sometimes you take the meal seriously.
Woody AllenSex is the most fun you can have without laughing.
Woody AllenSex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go it's one of the best.
Woody AllenShe wore a short skirt and a tight sweater and her figure described a set of parabolas that could cause cardiac arrest in a yak.
Woody AllenSide Effects Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on the weekend.
Woody Allen Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it.
Woody AllenSome guy hit my fender, and I told him, 'Be fruitful and multiply,' but not in those words.
Woody AllenStudents achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness.
Woody AllenThe baby is fine, the only problem is that he looks like Edward G. Robinson.
Woody AllenThe curtain rises on a vast primitive wasteland, not unlike certain parts of New jersey.
Woody AllenThe difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.
Woody AllenThe food here is terrible, and the portions are too small.
Woody AllenThe lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.
Woody AllenThe prison psychiatrist asked me if I thought sex was dirty. I told him only when it's done right.
Woody AllenThe talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have, instead of what you don't have.
Woody AllenThe whole country was tied together by radio. We all experienced the same heroes and comedians and singers. They were giants.
Woody AllenThere are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.
Woody AllenThere are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?
Woody AllenThought: Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.
Woody AllenTime is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.
Woody AllenTo you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.
Woody AllenTradition is the illusion of permanance.
Woody AllenWhat if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
Woody AllenWhat if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?
Woody AllenWhen I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Woody AllenWhen we played softball, I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go back.
Woody AllenWho bothers to cook TV dinners? I suck them frozen.
Woody AllenWhy are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?
Woody AllenWhy does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.
Woody Allen